Moon Doggies Apocalypse

It was one of those hot days, the kind where you don’t want to do anything but lay around, and that’s what I did, only on a beach. I had on my white bikini with the red polka dots, which looked really good next to my tan, and I was wearing my Foster Grants.

The beach was packed full of families, lovers walking hand in hand, and of course, those that love to play volleyball.  It was a great day to be had by all, until . . .

“Well, look what the lake washed up. I was wondering what smelled so bad.” The voice was nasally, cringing on irksome. Lydia Hankshaw.

I opened my eyes and got the shock of my life. Not only did Lydia have on a swimsuit, I’d say the swimsuit had Lydia. It was bright green, with netting that covered her cleavage, not by much though. It snug in places that couldn’t be snugged, which then jutted out other body parts. It was a mess no doubt about that. She also wore one of those beach hats, with the wide brim and rainbow sunglasses. Look out Tara Banks Lydia is on the runway!

“Why, good morning yourself.” I said sweetly.

“I didn’t say that!”

“I know, but that’s the difference between you and I. I have class, you don’t.  Now, if you don’t mind, you’re blocking the sun.” I was beaming from within.  I finally told that bitch what for.

She took off with her big butt swaying in the sun.  Whoever came up with the line, “Put it where the sun don’t shine” got it all wrong, because the sun sure found itself on her behind.

After she had gone, I went back to sun bathing, while the noise of those having fun calmed my frazzled nerves.  It’s very rare for me to be here, I mean, I’m always working and when I’m not, I’m working at home. If you got time to lean, you got time to clean my Gran always told me.

An hour had gone by without a scuffle, and I was starting to get a bit warm.  Sitting up, I noticed the water was mighty inviting. So, I got up and started to walk on down when I ended up running toward the water.  The sand, from baking in the sun was so hot, my feet were burning! I ran right in, forget the inching in style, I needed cooling off in a big way!

Ah . . . the cool water bathed my sore feet, and the deeper I got the more refreshed I became. It was truly satisfying. I was now up to my waist when I sunk the rest of me under, it almost took my breath away, but boy oh boy, it was doing wonders for my soul.  I just stayed there, my head the only visible part of me, and I watched while others were playing games, swimming with their inflatables, or just doing what I was doing . . . people watching.

Just as I thought things couldn’t be better, they weren’t. A scream out of nowhere filled the air. Was someone drowning, was there a shark attack? Shark attack . . .

“Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me . . .” I wadded back to shore as fast as my little legs would carry me, but you can’t move fast while in the water. It was like trying to run in a bog, and it’s next to impossible to run in them things. I’ve tried it. Yup, Chester and me were hunting alligators with his Uncle Jimmy Nell when we caught one. It was 400 pounds and talk about your thrashing! It was twirling and twirling and they had a terrible time with it. Well, I got up to get out of their way, when I tripped over the wire.  I lost my balance and fell overboard! Man, you never saw anyone try to get back into that boat like I did. I felt like I was moving in slow motion.  The thought of that alligator coming at me was enough to give me a heart attack.  Anyway, I did make it back in and Chester, along with his Uncle, killed it and ended up getting paid a mightly big sum.

Back to the screaming─

I got back to the shore just in time to see people scrambling all over the place, screaming and yelling to beat the band. It was like a wild animal was loose or something, and everyone was trying to get away from it ─ it wasn’t an animal, but something was coming after people. It was person, I think, but nobody ever looked like this one.  He was tall, well built, ugly as sin, and smelled just as bad, if sin had an odor. His swimming trucks were not altogether there. Parts of him were hanging out and I must admit, he did have something worth smiling about. What was wrong with me? Here I am, watching a true life Zombie Apocalypse right before my very eyes, and I’m getting heated over some stinking guys junk. Where are my scruples?

As I stood, motionless, I hadn’t noticed that Zombie ‘Moon Doggie’ had spotted me, and decided to make my acquaintance.  That was my exit cue, so I took off, but again, have you ever tried to run in the sand, fast? And did you know that Zombies could run fast? All the Zombies I ever saw, walked like they had dookie in their pants, but not my Moon Doggie, his were . . . enough. I tried as best as I could, but it wasn’t enough.  Next thing I knew he had grabbed hold of my ─ bikini bottom, that’s when I stopped.  No way, no how was I gonna keep on running only to have my panties torn off of me. Seeing how his were almost off, I didn’t want to give him any ideas.

What do you say to a Zombie, other than scream? So I swatted his hand. “Get your damn hand off my swimsuit.  Bottom just didn’t sound right, again, didn’t want to give him any ideas. He just gave me that dead stare, but he drooled. Charming ain’t he? “I said; get your hand off my swimsuit, now!”  He then smiled. 

When he opened his mouth to speak, I swore a fly came out.  Now, that’s just gross.

He coughed, didn’t know they could, and said, “Annette?”

Did I hear him correctly, or did he just call me Annette? “I beg your pardon?”

“A-Annette?” And pulled me in closer.

I thought so. “Hunny, I ain’t your Funicello, my name is Charlese.” Why am I introducing myself?

“No, you Annette, come . . .”

I almost got him loose when behind him came a group of other charming fellows.  All of them beefed up to the max, not a one looked like the zombies I’ve seen on TV. These were masculine, beefy guys, hunkered up for battle and like my Moon Doggie, half dressed.

“Uh, you’ve got company.” I motioned for him to look, which he did, but then looked at me in fear. I had to ask myself this, but why would anyone be afraid of his own kind?

“Trouble!” Was all he said.

“Yeah, I know, why are you telling me that? Aren’t they your buds?” Damn, if I’m not dealing with a two year old.

“No! We fight! My girl!” Then started to drag me toward them.

Then it hit me, Blanket Beach Bingo, are these zombies reenacting the 1965 movie? I’ve got to be having a nightmare. Must have been that Fish Taco I ate last night, looked good, but tasted like it should have stayed in the ocean.

“Stop. Stop! Stop! I ain’t fighting no zombies, and I sure ain’t your girl either. God . . . or whoever may have endowed you handsomely, but that don’t mean I love you. Besides, this ain’t a movie that’s going on here, more like a nightmare if you ask me! I don’t know where you guys came from, but I’m leaving, and take your stinking hands off me!” I jerked my hand out of his so forcefully his own hand came off. I screamed.

“Sugar! Come back!”

I just kept on running all the way back to my blanket, got my stuff, and headed for my car. As the engine came to life, I noticed all the zombie guys waving at me. This is so weird! I waved back as I high-tailed it out of the parking lot.

A mile down the road, I felt better, but not completely. It was a complete nightmare; I never, ever dreamed that something like that could ever happen, on TV yes, real life, no. I needed some noise to take my mind off what had just happened. When I switched on my radio the song, These Are The Good Times, by Frankie Avalon came on . . . it was from the movie Beach Party Bingo ─ deja vou.