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Friday, July 4, 2014

Children's Stories not for children #56, I Was An Accident

Did you know that Willodean Ferris has a sister? I had no idea! The only reason why I found this out was she introduced me to her . . .

I was in my kitchen making a cherry pie when someone knocked at my door. “Oh, now who is it? I swear, every time I start a project, someone either calls me or stops me from preparing my dinner.” This, of course, was said under my breath, because the door was right off my kitchen, and I had my window opened as well.  So, I wiped off my hands, and plastered a smile on my face.

“Hey Charlese! I hope I didn’t disturb you!”

You always do, but don’t let that stop you. I thought to myself, still smiling though!

“No, no . . . you didn’t, come on in.” I held the door open for her and someone else that looked remotely similar to Willodean.  Could she be . . . no, Willodean would have said something to me about having a sister a long time ago.

As we stood in the kitchen, it was becoming sort of awkward. No one was saying or introducing, so I just jumped in.

“Hi there, my name is Charlese and you are?” I held out my hand toward her.

“Hi, um, my name is Raylene, Raylene Ferris.” And she shook my hand. Now when you shake a person’s hand, mean it. Don’t be passive about it. Lord, Gran would moan and complain after church if someone greeted her with a dead fish. That is a hand shake where someone doesn’t grab your hand back, just holds it out there for you to squeeze. It’s the worst feeling ever! Almost if their saying I’ll go along with the action, just don’t expect me to mean it.

I had to stop for a moment. Think what she just said, Raylene Ferris.  “You . . . are you Willodean’s sister by any chance?” Please don’t let there be two of them, please God.

“Why, yes, how did you know?” Sweet, sweet, Jesus . . . she is exactly like Willodean. Proceed with caution.

“Because your last name is Ferris.” Ring a bell yet?

“Oh, sure, sure. I’m so dumb!” Then she snorted. Charming.

Now, Raylene , in what I just saw, is like her sister.  She’s dumber than a box of rocks, but I will say, she has her own fashion statement. Yes she did, and it screamed for help. She wore a pair of jeans, slightly baggie, and they were clean, neatly pressed too, but had chartreuse whales all over them. Now her top was the same color as the whales, long sleeved, and she buttoned all the buttons . . . up to her neck.  It was eighty-nine degrees outside! Now her hair was like Willodean’s, in that it was brown, but short and wispy. She also wore glasses, black ones. Big black ones, she looked like a bug in heat. What struck me was that she wore no shoes, just bare feet. It’s gonna be a long day, I can just tell.

I gave Willodean a look that said, why didn’t you tell me you had a sister? And Willodean played back the same look I gave her. Yeah, a real long day.

“Sit down here at the table, would you like something to drink, maybe have some cookies, and while we’re at it, why you never told me you had a sister?” I just blurted it out. When it comes to Willodean, you sometimes have to be that way if you want to stay sane.

“Oh, I don’t know, you never asked! I’d like some lemonade if you have some! Ray Ray would you like some too?” Ray Ray?

“Why would I ask such a question when you gave me no reason to ask it?” I took out three tall glasses and got the lemonade out of the fridge and poured.  “Here.” As I sat them down on the table a tad bit forcefully.

“You alright Charlese? You look a bit tense. Something bothering you?” She really didn’t have a clue in that pea size brain of hers.

“Sorry, I’m fine, just tired, and hot. So what brings you here?”

“I came to introduce you to my sister of course! You are silly today. I don’t think you’re fine at all. I mean, you never met my sister, so I brought her over here, and, well, it’s like you don’t even have a clue! It’s real simple, especially when you never saw her before and . . .”

I grabbed her hand just then. I couldn’t take it anymore, it was like one long run on sentence, with too much repetition, that it didn’t know when to stop, and I had to stop it!

“Fine. Thank you for the introduction. Is there anything else you’d like to tell me? Like what are your . . .”
“I was an accident.” Houston we have lift off!

I looked at her, then Willodean, who wasn’t shocked at all. In fact, she had a big smile on her face, as if; she just farted and was pleased with the after effect.

I had to say something; this was too rich for words to ignore. “I beg your pardon?”

“I was an accident! You know, not planned. I guess Mama and Daddy in their lust for one another wasn’t careful and, well, here I am!” Well, she was pleased as punch, so was Willodean! I on the other hand was in shock!

I wanted to be a Psychologist just then and say, “And this doesn’t upset you? You’re ok with knowing this?” So I did!

“Your parents just came out and told you, you were an accident, just like that? I mean, I’m sorry and all, but I’d be somewhat upset if I were told that I was an accident. You seem to ok with it, are you?” I couldn’t imagine the thoughts that were trailing in her tiny mind, well, I had somewhat of a clue, which wasn’t telling me much, but still.

 I didn’t wait for her reply, couldn’t wait for her reply.“Well . . . “and took a long slug of my lemonade, “. . . I guess that’s just great. Yup . . . great! Gosh, I’m tired; I think I’ll go to bed. Thanks for coming over and it was a real pleasure meeting you!” I rushed them out so fast, neither of them had a chance to say anything, not even kiss my foot.  I didn’t know what else to do!  I really didn’t! How does one continue with this topic?

They must have thought I had lost it, rushing them out like that, wanting to go to bed. I mean, shoot, it was still morning! Well now, I guess that evens us up! With that thought in mind, I sat back down at my table and finished my lemonade with a smile.


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