I’d never given much thought to
dying- though I’d had my reason enough in the last few months- but even if I
had, I wouldn’t have imagined it like this. Then, on top of it all, I survived.
I wish I had died. The yearning, the need, the want of the one thing that will
sustain my life is becoming extinct. Its texture, soft, sometimes course, but
nevertheless, I crave it so much that I have dreams about piles and piles of
it. Mountains of it. Such joy it gives my heart and then I wake up to my
nightmare.
I stared across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and she
looked pleasantly back at me. She’s beautiful. Skin ivory, soft, scented
lightly with Jasmine I just want to taste her lips. At least it was a good way
to die.
I knew that if I’d never gone to China, I wouldn’t be about to die now.
But, terrified as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to regret the decision. When
life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not
reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.
The hunter smiled in a friendly way as she sauntered forward to kill me.
**************************************
Here I sit, half mad with hysteria, with towers of toilet paper rolls
around me. Yes, that’s right, I bought out the store. No one…I mean, no one
will get what my body craves…toilet paper. Its thinness, texture and light scent
drive me crazy. It was that lady in
China, she did this to me. Made me a vampire of the toilet industry. Now, with
this Corona virus people are hoarding everything! They all think they’re going
to die, so what do they buy? My toilet paper!
I was out one night. I needed my fix. Four ply was my need this time. It’s
thickness. Chewing the papery texture, having it stick to the roof of my mouth…Oh,
Lord I had to have it! All of it, but it would be a battle of wits.
As I made my way to the paper aisle I could see the baskets. There were
at least five of them and loaded with…my toilet paper.
“No!” I screamed and ran at the ladies. You should have seen their
shocked faces as I rushed their baskets and began biting into the fleshy,
plastic wrap that held them together.
I was a madman for sure, but I didn’t care. I bit into the first roll
like a monkey on a cupcake. Oh, it was pure heaven. I couldn’t stop. On and on
I went till I saw a fresh roll and started in on it! The crowd grew around us.
No one dared to come at me. There I was a roll in each hand and taking bites
out of them both as if it were my last day. Tissue was everywhere. I even
scraped up the bits that fell on the floor. Every morsel was tended to with
such delight.
Then…
“Grab him!” They got me. I put up a big fight though.
With a muffled voice I yelled out as best as I could, “You’ll neffer gef
thefs tiffoos! Neffer!”
They locked me up. Fools. Don’t they know you can’t hold a vampire?
As I looked out my window, through the towers of my life sustaining
source, I tried to remember what my life used to be like, as a human. Steak,
potatoes, Sushi, fish and scores of other foods I’d eat and did I miss that?
No. I mean, you don’t need to grow toilet paper. You don’t need to kill cows,
pigs or goats for that matter. Toilet paper comes from trees. My brain started
to reel. My mouth began to drool. I found a new food source. TREES!
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